A. John Ukpe 
The best kept secret in Nigeria, President and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces (and Armed Herdsmen) of Nigeria, President Muhammadu Buhari, is the only Nigerian who strictly minds his business – except when he has the slightest reason to believe that cow interest is under threat. Tucked up in some bed in Aso Rock, he does not bat an eyelid when Fulani herdsmen go on rampage and massacre communities for denying their cows access to community farmlands. But I always find it difficult to blame the gentleman.
Someone by the name of Olusegun Matthew Aremu Obasanjo, searched for a man who could rule Nigeria and, somehow, by dint of hardwork, manage to be a worse president than he (Obasanjo) was. Goodluck Jonathan had upstaged him and no farmer loves it when another farmer has a better yield.
So, after a diligent search, he picked on Buhari and yoked him on Nigeria. Buhari has, apparently, done even better than Obasanjo expected and now the country is adrift – like a ship with a failed engine, bounced about by the winds of insecurity and chance. Meanwhile Buhari sleeps – rests.
By his confession, Buhari does not listen to music, because he just “finds time to rest.” Jane Austen, a novelist, opined that “without music, life would be blank.” So do not blame the president if his life is blank. The only “music” he loves is the meowing of cows, and he is committed to their (cows’) cause. Nigerians can shout and holler that they are no sacred cows in government, but deep inside Aso Rock, the beginning of wisdom is the knowledge that every cow owned by a Fulani herdsman is a sacred cow and for the death of one, a whole town could be wiped out. There are sacred cows and we see them every day destroying crops in our farmlands.
So, when the Southern Governors banned open grazing in the South, they murdered sleep in Aso Rock. Garba Shehu was outraged because he thought that by now Nigerians would have known that the Buhari Government had designed a secret Nigerian Charter of Cow Rights as an unwritten annexure to the Nigerian Constitution. Cows, according to the charter, should bestride Nigeria, wherever they please and if they poke their cold noses through your bedroom window, and knock the old mantel piece to the ground, you should not say anything good or bad to the cow.
Why? Because behind the cow may be a guntoting “evil spirit” with his finger on the trigger, waiting for you to show the slightest displeasure. And if you do and he kills you, guess what? Even if you are an accountant or footballer or priest, the government would label your murder for defending your home, “a farmers/herders clash.” The Attorney-General of the Federation and Minister of Injustice (my apologies, Justice), Abubakar Malami, does not understand why cows should not be allowed to roam as they please in the country. He is a very good lawyer – a very good charge-and-bail lawyer.
Like all very good charge-and-bail lawyers, Malami’s understanding of the Nigerian Constitution is as slim as a toothpick. That is why he should be forgiven for saying: “It is about constitutionality within the context of the freedoms expressed in our Constitution. Can you deny the rights of a Nigerian? For example, it is as good as saying, perhaps, maybe, the Northern governors coming together to say they prohibit spare parts trading in the North… It is a dangerous provision for any governor in Nigeria to think he can bring any compromise on the freedom and liberty of individuals to move around.” Charge-and-bail lawyers spend a lot of time in police stations and may not understand the nitty-gritty of societal life.
So poor Malami may not know, nor understand, that the Southern Governors are banning cows from being taken into farmlands, and where ever their owners please, without the consent of landowners. Poor Malami may never have heard that a man’s right to swing his hand stops where his neighbour’s nose begins. Garba Shehu, who appears to be the President’s Special Assistant on Cow Matters, is not a charge-and-bail lawyer.
He is not a lawyer at all. His understanding of the Nigerian Constitution is even slimmer than a toothpick. Perhaps ever slimmer than and office pin. But he uses this little pin-size knowledge of the Constitution to prick the country every now and then, and hope he could cause Nigerians so much discomfort that they would scamper and surrender their lands to his kith and kin. Shehu is the kind of man who never allows the facts to interfere with his ethnic. chauvinistconclusions. But the facts speak for themselves.
Like Governor Ortom of Benue State put it nicely when he said that Benue State would not be part of Garba Shehu’s cattle reserves/routes because the presidency’s insistence on it smacks of a hidden agenda. The Middle Belt Forum also cautioned the presidency against imposing foreign Fulani on Nigeria because Nigeria is not a Fulani colony. So this is not only much ado about cows; it is about creating Fulani colonies in all states in Nigeria, so that the President and Commanderin- Chief of the Armed Forces (and Armed Fulani of Nigeria), President Muhammadu Buhari, will keep resting in Abuja and in peace.
